


Long Way Down

by ZodiacFiction



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depression, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2017-12-03
Packaged: 2018-11-14 09:46:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 12,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11205486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZodiacFiction/pseuds/ZodiacFiction
Summary: Niall Horan receives a call from his band mate Harry Styles to congratulate him on his new single. Everything seems fine. For that moment anyway.





	1. One

I hear my phone ring from the nightstand, I lazily pick it up and answer. Wasn't able to fall asleep anyway.

"This is Niall" I say. "Hey mate, sorry if I woke you" I hear Harry's voice. "No problem. What's up?" I ask sitting up. "I just wanted to congratulate you on the new single, I just heard it for the first time, it's very impressive. We're all proud of you" he says. I smile "Thanks Harry it means a lot" I'm glad he called me, it's been too long. "How've you been man?" I ask striking up a conversation "As well as I can be. This break is giving us all a good chance to relax I think. But I'll be releasing music as well soon" he says. "That's great Harry, I can't wait to hear it." I look at the clock next to me. Shit it's getting late. "Sorry man but I've got to be getting to bed. I've got a studio session in the morning" I say regretfully. I wish we could speak more. "Alright Niall, well sleep well and I will talk to you sometime soon" I smile. "Thanks man, goodnight" I say, hanging up the phone.  I lay back down after setting my alarm. Falling asleep almost instantly. 

 

*morning*

I sleepily open my eyes, seeing my phone screen lit up, alarm blaring. 6:30 a.m. I turn it off and lay my head back down on the pillow. I put my arm over my hand and sigh looking up at the ceiling. After just laying there a few minutes I sit up and grab my phone, checking for texts or emails. 

 

Louis: hey, have you heard from Harry within the last few days. No one has and we were getting worried about him. 

Me: yeah, he called me last night. wonder why no one heard from him before then. 

I shrug it off and get out of bed. I put on my clothes after showering. I fix up my hair and reach for the stupid hat I always wear, I chuckle as I put it on. The fans love this hat. I walk back into my room to put my shoes on and grab my phone. I put it in my pocket and walk out of my apartment, locking the door. 

I walk out the backdoor of the complex to be picked up and driven to the studio. On the way there I see a text from Louis.

Louis: I'm not rightly sure. He hasn't been talking to anyone as of late, which isn't like him. Liam noticed before I had.

Me: odd. I'm at a studio sesh right now but after I'll call him. 

Louis: thanks man 

Me: no problem 

I get out of the car, shaking hands with the driver and thanking him. I walk inside and I'm greeted by my manager and a few other people. 

After doing a few hours of recording I'm able to leave. I love this process but today I had to stay longer than I would've liked. I walk outside to call Harry as I promised Louis I'd do. He picks up after a minute. 

"Hello" 

"Hey Harry, this is Niall, I got a text from Louis earlier saying Liam and him noticed you hadn't called in awhile. Just wanted to make sure you're ok" 

"I'm quite alright Niall. Thank you for checking in on me though. I've been very busy writing and things. I will apologize to Louis and Liam" he says

"Ok man as long as you're feeling ok"

"Yes I'm quite fine. Thank you" 

"You're welcome. Bye for now Harry"

"Bye" he hangs up.

I put my phone back into my pocket and get into my ride.


	2. Two

I'm surprised to be greeted by Louis when I get to my apartment. I hope he hasn't been waiting long. 

"Tommo! What're you doing here man?" I say as he shakes my hand

"Hey Niall. I Just thought I'd come over for awhile seeing as it's been over three months since I saw you last, if that's ok" he says

"Course!" I say as I unlock my door "Come on in" I let him walk in before me. "shit" I think to myself "I haven't cleaned anything around here in probably a month I've been so busy".

"Sorry the place is a wreck. I've been busy" I explain

He gives me a light chuckle "Don't worry about it".

He stops walking after I close the door. "So, did you speak to Harry?" He asks with a hint of worry in his voice. 

"I did, yeah. He seemed ok. He told me he was fine and that he was just busy" 

Louis shakes his head, looking down. I feel bad for him. He doesn't get to talk to or see Harry often. Management won't allow it. 

"Thanks Niall. I'm glad he's ok" he says as we go sit down in the living room. 

And so we catch up. He tells me about how great it was to work with Steve Aoki and how he has a whole album in the works. Seems like none of us can escape our love for making music. I tell him the same things. I'd been writing for my album and am still recording some stuff. I want to work on this album slowly.

"That's great Niall. I think it's funny though how we're all doing this at the same time. Well, Harry and you and I anyway. Liam hasn't mentioned anything to me about making music. Seems like he's really taking a break" 

"Well that's not a bad thing" I say with a smile.

He nods his head.

After an hour or so of chatting he gets up and gives me a hug and pats me on the back. 

"Really good to see you again Niall. Sorry I showed up out of the blue" 

"No worries. Good to see you too" 

And with that he leaves. 

And with that I realize how boring it is to not have the boys around all the time. I go on my laptop to check social media. It's only been 10 minutes since Louis left and already fans are freakin out.

Holy shit! @Niall_Horan and @Louis_Tomlinson met up!! Maybe they're planning to get back together dmsksknfjdjsk 

I read about a hundred more of these tweets. I can't help but laugh at them. They're so loyal and caring but they can be crazy too, but I understand it. When I was a teenager I would've gone nuts over my favorite band too. I just wish they'd respect our privacy a bit more. I'm not complaining though I've been blessed with this life. 

I put my laptop away and pick up my guitar. I put my fingers on the strings and hold them down, creating a chord. I strum my finger down the strings and a beautiful sound comes out of the instrument in my hands. I play for a few minutes just humming and playing random stuff. I love just listening to the random chords. I'm soon interrupted by a knock on the door. 

I open it to find a man dressed in brown with a package in his hand. 

"Delivery for a Mr. Horan" he says 

"That'd be me. Do I need to sign or anything?" I ask before he hands me the package 

"Nope. Here you are, have a nice day" he says after handing me the box. I thank him and close the door. 

I sit on my couch, box in hand, I rip off the tape and open the flaps. I'm greeted by a brown journal with "To my friend Niall" written on the cover with a sharpie. I open the first page to see a note. 

Hello Niall,

This journal contains songs I've written over the years but never used. For personal reasons. I've sent one of these to each of you. Feel free to use them, or don't. 

H

Only Harry would do something like this. I laugh to myself. I quickly flip through the pages to find what I assume are hundreds of songs. It'll take me a day to read all these. I decide to just read one or two. The first song I read is a love song, a little on the cheesy side so I assume he wrote this when we were first starting out. The second song I read is yet another love song, but better than the last in all respects, it speaks of beauty and joy and malice but in the end happiness and the feeling of being content. It makes me happy. 

I'm interrupted from my reading yet again by my stupid phone. I read a text from management.

"Meeting in 30 minutes. Get here ASAP."

I roll my eyes and put down Harry's journal. I'm soon out the door and driving to the studio where we do mostly everything. The meeting seems pointless to me, they called me over here to decide the plot for the video to my new single. I hadn't even thought about that yet. 

"Let's just make it simple, I don't even want a music video, let's just do a really special lyric video" I say, interrupting the men currently arguing. 

They look at me like I'm a little kid asking his mum for a toy at the store after he's been a brat. 

"Don't look at me like I'm stupid. It's my music and I want to do a lyric video" 

They sit down to hear me out. And after two hours of coming up with concepts we finally agree on the final product. I know the fans will like it. 

I get into my car ready to go home but I check my Twitter first to find a tweet from Harry saying he'll be releasing his first single soon. I smile. I'm glad. So I drive home and flop into my bed. It's barely 7 p.m. But I feel like I could fall asleep right now. I don't though. I just lay there for awhile. Around 8:30 I get a text from Liam 

Him: "Niall! I've just found out I'm going to be a daddy!!"

I sit up. Eyes wide.

Me: "Holy shit Liam!! Congratulations"

I laugh after sending the text, I can't believe Liam's going to have a kid. First Louis and now him. We are getting older aren't we. Seems Harry and I are the only ones not bothered with women at the moment. Sometimes I wish I had a girlfriend but I know it wouldn't work. I'm just too busy. 

I get out of bed to change out of these damn skinny jeans. The boy band image is strong in this one, I laugh to myself. I change into a plain white t-shirt and just wear my boxers. I get into bed and turn out all the lights just scrolling through my social medias. I shrug off the fact that it's only 10 and go to bed anyway. I scoff a bit, I bet my fans think I'm out partying or some BS like that. I think not. Sleeping is much better. 

And with that I drift off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Made this one longer. I'll try to update everyday but I can't garuntee I'll be able to. Thank you so much for reading.


	3. Three

I wake up at 5:30 a.m. Way too early but I didn't mind I needed time to pack since I had forgotten to last night. I'm traveling to L.A. today to do some interviews. I'll be all over America for the next few weeks. Interviews are fun at first but after a while it gets tiring as do most things, however I'm looking forward to promoting This Town and Slow Hands. It feels amazing to be able to write and preform my own music. I loved being in the band and if they ever want me to come back I'd gladly drop everything to do so. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for being in One Direction. 

*five hours later, at the airport*

I got onto the plane, relieved to not have been spotted so far. It was only a matter of time before someone would but for the moment I wanted to relax. I leaned back in my seat, keeping my hat low on my forehead so my eyes were not visible from certain views. I got out my phone and put on my headphones, listening to the Eagles as we took off. Half an hour or so into the flight I felt someone tapping me on the shoulder, I opened my eyes and took off my headphones to find a little girl no older than 10 shyly looking at me. 

"Hello there" I said with a smile on my face 

"Hi" she said very quietly "I was wondering if you would sign this" she said looking down, giving me a piece of paper.

"Of course! Have you got a pen?" I asked. She gave me her pen and in no time we'd taken a few selfies, I'd signed her paper and she giddily went to go show her mum. I laughed as I went back to relaxing. 

We soon arrived in L.A. and I knew the paps would be on my hind the second I got out of the plane. I kept my hat down, face down and walked out with my carry on. My other luggage would be delivered to where I was staying later today. I got into a black car and checked my emails on the way to the hotel. 

"Niall,

Hello. This is my new single, Sign of the Times. I hope you enjoy it. 

H x"

I read the email and tapped on the attached link Harry had given me. I was excited to hear his solo music. A started the song and was greeted by a most lovely tune indeed. I loved it. 

I arrived to the hotel and got up to my room. Putting my duffle bag down on the bed. I tweeted to Harry congratulating him. It truly is a beautiful song. I'm glad he's doing his own thing. 

I decide to go out for awhile and maybe stop at a few shops if I can before I go to an interview. 

In what seems to be no time at all I'm sitting in a chair, getting a mic fixed to my shirt, ready for my first interview. All goes well, or so it seemed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo sorry this one is super short. I've had a very long weekend.


	4. Four

I walk out of the building where I'd done three interviews, I heard my phone sending alerts in between them but I had no time to check it. I got into the car and finally checked my phone. Texts from Liam.

Him: hey, Niall. Harry hasn't been answering anyone's texts. Seems like you're the only one he talks to, would you go check up on him when you have time and make sure nothing wrong? 

"God Harry, what is going on with you" I thought to myself 

Me: yes, of course Liam. I'm in L.A. Right now do you know where he is at the moment? 

Him: London last I heard. You should probably just ask him. 

Me: okay, thanks. Talk to you later mate. 

I let a exasperated sigh out and run my hand through my hair. It's very unlike him to act like this, I wonder what's going on with him. 

As soon as I get into my hotel room and sit down I text Harry.

Me: hey mate, you up for a visit?

Him: sure 

Me: where you at?

Him: California at the moment. And you?

Me: L.A. doing some interviews, I'll be in Cali next week, if you're still there we should meet up 

Him: I'll be here, let me know when you're on your way, I'll tell you where I'm staying. 

Me: sounds good, see you then.

He doesn't text back. I try to get my mind off it and listen to some music, I put on my headphones and play some of the current top hits, it's been awhile since I've listened to the newer music. I hum the chorus of issues and tap my finger on the arm of the chair. 

I'm surprised to hear perfect start playing, well that's what you get when you put it on shuffle Niall, I tell myself. I smile to myself hearing the song, I sing along and laugh a bit to myself, remembering the day we filmed the video, in reality it wasn't that long ago but it seems like ages ago, this hiatus we haven't seen much of each other. Not gonna lie I miss the lads being around all the time, I have no one to rant to now and it's just not the same over text. It makes me look forward to seeing Harry even more. 

I get bored of being cooped up and decide to hopefully walk around town for awhile. Or as long as I can without being attacked by crazed fans. As long as there's only a small group patiently waiting I'll gladly take pictures but if they're chasing me and screaming I can't really stick around. You'd be surprised how dangerous it can get. The fans are very..... Passionate I guess. That's how I usually describe them to my friends and family. 

I put on my denim jacket and stuff my phone in my pocket. Walking to my favorite bar in L.A. a few drinks never hurt no one... Right? Several pints later I find myself with a guitar in hand, I mic in front of my lips and the words to little things spewing out of my mouth, hopefully I don't sound like shit, I can't guarantee I don't thought, considering how drunk I am. 

I soon return to my hotel room, driven by a stranger mind you, and plop down onto the couch. I had no intention of getting this drunk but whatever. I check my phone to find no important texts so I just take off my jacket and shoes and get into bed. It's 1:00 a.m. but I'm not tired. I lay there lazily running a hand through my hair until I hear a knock on the door. I get out of bed, almost tripping, I laugh at myself before I look through the peep hole to see a woman maybe in her mid twenties at my door. I decide to ignore it, who knows what she may intend. I stagger back to bed and flop back down, falling asleep.

*morning* 

I wake up at 11 in the morning with a killer headache and an uneasy stomach. I take my phone and call someone to get me some Advil. I run to the bathroom, turning on the light, I squint my eyes deciding to turning it back off. It's makes my head hurt worse. Thank God I only have one interview today and it's not till 8 p.m. after I throw up I hear a knock at my door, the Advil no doubt. I open it and thank the man who brought it to me and open a bottle of water and take two. I lay back down and decided to sleep off this nasty hangover. I roll my eyes and make a mental note to never do this on a workday ever again. I set my alarm to wake me up at 2 and easily I drift back off to sleep. 

I wake up and turn my alarm off. My headaches toned down and my stomach doesn't feel like cottage cheese, it's bearable. I walk into the bathroom, scratching my head while I yawn. I get some clothes and take a shower. I'm soon dressed and heading to meet Lou to get my hair styled for the day. On to the interview then. I hop into the car and I'm driven to go meet Nick Grimshaw. He's always fun. 

A few hours later and I'm out of there. Back to bed I think to myself. Sleep is my drug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Hopefully I'm not boring you out of your mind with these chapters. Just bare with me, it'll get better. I might do the next chapter in Harry's pov.


	5. Five

A few weeks later, on his way to California to meet up with Harry* 

Me: hey mate I'm heading out now, what's your address?

I soon receive a text with an address and a happy remark. I hope this visit will cheer Harry up. I should start visiting the lads more after this. 

The plane ride to Cali was a rather pleasant one, no interruption, no noise. The silence was beautiful in my opinion. I soon arrived. I put my hood up and threw my duffle bag over my shoulder, walking out of the airport. Luckily no one had found out I was coming here yet so I was off the hook for the time being.

I hopped into a cab and gave him the address. I grinned with excitement as we pulled into the parking lot of the hotel. I was very happy to be able to visit my friend. I paid the driver and gave him a big tip. I got my duffle bag from out of the trunk and made my way inside. I was surprised to find no fans waiting outside, I wonder how long Harry has been staying here. I get into the elevator and press the button for the 5th floor. I hear the bell and step out, making my way down the hall to find his room number. I find his door and take a deep breath. I don't know why I'm so nervous, he's my best mate.   
I knock on the door. I hear him call from inside.

"One sec, I'm coming" 

I laugh a bit, wondering what he's doing. 

I hear the door knob turn and I'm greeting by a smiling Harry. I take a look at him before saying anything. His hair was short and styled, he was wearing a white tshirt and a pair of shorts. He looked skinner, but in a healthy way. 

"Niall!" He said with a chuckle as he pulled me into a hug

I smile and hug him. Patting him on the back a few times. We pull away and he opens the door all the way to let me in. 

"How've you been man?" I say with a laugh as I set my bag down 

"Pretty well I'd say, been in the studio a lot" he says as he points to a chair for me to sit in 

I sit down and we have a good conversation. Until I ask him how he's doing. 

"So man, how've you been lately? Like really. The boys said you haven't been talking to them much" I say gently. 

I see his happy demeanor slowly fade. His smile now turned into a frown. He looks down and plays with his lip, thinking of an answer. 

"I don't really know Niall. I haven't been okay lately I guess" he says, still looking down. A hint of guilt in his voice. 

I lean over and put my hand on his shoulder. He looks up at me and gives me a small smile. 

"I understand Harry, we all have felt like that. This life is amazing sometimes but, it comes with some major side effects and you know that better than any of us I think" I say to him. 

He shakes his head in agreement, still not looking at me. I wonder why. We sit there in comfortable silence for a few minutes until he stands up and walks to the bathroom. As soon as I hear the door shut I get up to make sure he's ok in there. I place my ear on the door to hear a few sniffles and what I assume is Harry crying. I look down and shake my head. 

"Harry.... Mate, are you ok?" I say very lightly, trying not to scare him off. 

He doesn't respond so I sit at the door for a few minutes until he opens it. I look up to see bloodshot eyes and a runny nose. Without even saying a word I get up and wrap my arms around him. At first he doesn't even move but I squeeze him and he places his arms around me and leans his head on my shoulder. I can hear his quiet sobs. I feel his chest moving up and down and his arms tightening as he cries. Tears start coming out of my eyes and before I know it we're both crying in each others arms. Eventually we both sit on the floor and remain completely quiet. He has his arms wrapped around his knees and he seems exhausted. 

"Harry maybe you should try to sleep. You look tired mate" I say as he stares at the wall 

He shakes his head in agreement and gets up, walking to his room. He climbs into his bed and I make sure he doesn't close the door so I can keep an eye on him. As soon as he falls asleep I walk into the room where we were originally talking and sit down against the wall and run my hands through my hair, trying not to stress too much. I rest my arms on my knees and a few tears escape my eyes. How could I let it get this bad? He's clearly torn apart. I've been such a shitty friend. I wipe the tears from my eyes and get up, walking out of the room into the hallway to call Liam. 

"Hey Niall" I hear his chipper voice. 

"Hey Liam. I've just been to see Harry" 

"How's he doing?" He asks concerned 

"Not good. Not good at all Liam. He broke down in my arms earlier. I got him to go to bed, he looked exhausted" I say trying not to choke up 

"God Niall I hadn't realized it'd gotten that bad. I feel awful. I'll call Louis and we'll come down as soon as we can. Thank you for calling mate" he says, I can tell he's on the verge of tears as well. 

"Thank you Liam. See you soon" I say as I hang up the phone. I walk back inside and sit on the couch, closing my eyes for a few moments.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey. I'm sorry I haven't updated in awhile. I've been really busy and just life getting in the way. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Things are getting crazy.


	6. Six

I'm shaken awake by Harry, still looking quite tired.

"Hey Niall" he says as I sit up, rubbing my eyes. 

"What time is it?" I ask in a groggy voice 

"2 in the morning I think" 

I must have been exhausted too, to have fallen asleep like that. 

"Sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep" 

"It's fine, no worries" he says as he checks his phone "I've gotten a text from Louis and Liam saying they're coming to see me" he says looking at me "What all did you tell them Niall?" He says with a hint of worry in his voice. 

"Just that you're obviously not doing well and could use a visit" I say, hoping he wouldn't get mad at me. 

He looks down playing with his lip as he ponders something. "Listen, about last night, I... I don't really know what came over me. I didn't mean to break down like that. I'm sorry, I hope I haven't worried you too much Niall" he says still not looking at me 

"It's okay Harry, I'm just sorry I let you down and haven't been around. I feel like if I was that wouldn't have happened. I'll do my best to be around more. I did think of you after the break started" 

He finally looks at me "I thought of you too Niall. It's not so much you're absence that's been weighing on me, although it has played a part I won't lie" 

I look down as I feel a spike of guilt go through me "I'm sorry Harry. I hope me and the boys are able to help you" 

He smiles at me and places a hand on my shoulder "I'm sure you will. Just know I don't blame you for my feeling sad. You've nothing but an amazing friend and I couldn't ask for more" he says with sincerity 

I smile back at him "Thanks Harry" 

After we talked for a bit we went back to sleep for a few hours. 

I wake up around 9 am. I sit up on the couch and move the blanket Harry gave me. I stretch my arms and yawn. I reach for my phone and open Twitter. I'm surprised to find tweets of pictures of me in the taxi on the way here. I mentally pray they haven't found out where we are. I have a feeling Harry doesn't need that kind of stress right now. I'm check my messages, I see one from Louis. 

Him: hey mate. Liam called me, we're both hopefully gonna be there by late tomorrow. See you then. 

Me: looking forward to it Louis

I put my phone down and quietly walk down the hall to check on Harry. I peek inside his room to find him still asleep. I decide to leave him alone for now. I go to the bathroom and get dressed. I need to go find some breakfast, hopefully H will be ok for a little bit. I write him a little note and put it on the coffee table for him to find if he wakes up before I get back. I grab my phone and head out. I make my way out of the house and walk to the market since it's not too far from here, I buy some fresh eggs, some oranges, apples, bread and s few other things. I manage to get back home with only being recognized a few times. Luckily they were super chill and didn't make a big fuss. I always appreciate those kinds of fans. 

I knock on the door to see if Harrys up yet. I soon hear footsteps and smile. He checks the peep hole and opens the door. 

"Welcome back" he says with a smirk. I laugh a bit and walk in, I put my two bags down on the counter and start to put away the things I bought aside from the eggs and two oranges, Harry helps. 

"You have any pans in dis place?" I ask 

"Yeah, right down here" he reaches into a cupboard underneath the sink. "I only have one pan and one pot. I haven't been here very long" he says as he puts the pan on the stove 

"That'll work" I say with a smile. He continues to put things away as I make breakfast. 

In what seems like no time at all we've eaten breakfast and gotten freshened up. Harry walks out of his room wearing black shorts and a plain white t-shirt. 

"Louis texted me dis mornin, he said him and Liam should be here late tonight" I tell him

He just nods in acknowledgment. "So what should we do till he gets here?" I ask

"Not sure" he says "What kind of music have you been working on?" He asks me in attempt to strike up a casual conversation 

"Well I've been working on me album for a few months, I did most of the writing last year and I did the recording part of it this year. I've just gotta get through the promo stuff then it'll be out" 

"That's good Niall. I'm looking forward to it. I hear this town I thought it was lovely" he says smiling 

"Thanks. I'm looking forward to your new stuff, is it finished yet?" I ask him 

He goes on to tell me about how he made his album and his inspirations and what he's been up to for the past year and a half. It felt good to just listen to him. 

I eventually text Louis asking for details on their arrival. 

Me: hey Lou, any idea on the time you'll be here? 

Him: about midnight I've been told. Where do we need to go when we land? 

I give him Harry's address and check Twitter again. I see update accounts tweeting about our mini reunion. How are they so fucking fast. I roll my eyes and let out a sigh. 

"What's wrong?" Harry asks noticing my frustration. 

"The fans. They're already flipping their lids about us being all in one place. Hopefully they don't find your house" 

He shakes his head "well if they do it's cool. I didn't really like this house anyway, it's too big" he says sarcastically 

I smile. I'm glad he's joking around, that's the Harry we all know and love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter the boys are all together!!


	7. Seven

*Harry's pov* 

My eyes flutter open and at first my vision is blurry and I squint my eyes to avoid the sting the sunlight might cause. 

"Wake up ya lazy" I hear Niall say as he taps my shoulder 

I'm confused at first. I don't remember falling asleep. I slowly sit up, rubbing my eyes.

"When did I fall asleep?" I ask, my voice coarse and groggy 

"Bout an hour ago. I was playing some chords on my guitar and I guess it put you to sleep. You were just laying there listenin' for a good bit" he smiles 

"Oh" 

I take my phone out of my pocket and check my messages. None from anyone I'm interested in hearing. I put it on the end table and walk into the bathroom to freshen up. I stretch and look at myself in the mirror, I let out a sigh as I turn on the water and splash it onto my face. I instantly feel more alert and I pat my face dry with a towel. I run my fingers through my now short hair, straightening it up a bit. I hear a knock on the door, making me jump a bit. 

"Ya good Harry?" I hear a concerned Niall ask

"Yeah I'm fine, just washing up"

I shake my head at myself. I feel bad putting poor Niall through my breakdown. And now all the boys are coming to see me cause I've worried them. I know they mean well but it's definitely stressful. I'm glad they're concerned however, I know I have good friends in them. I brush my teeth and walk out of the bathroom to find Niall digging through the fridge. I laugh to myself, that's Nialler for you. Always thinking with his stomach. 

"Find anything?" I ask in a playful tone.

He smirks at me "nah not really. Just looking"

"Well if you're interested I've got some hummus in the fridge and some peta bread in the cupboard that might go bad soon. I don't like to waste food" 

He just shrugs and grabs the container of hummus. I laugh to myself in my head. I'm glad to have Niall around. After we've eaten something and joked around a bit I hear my phone go off with an alert. I check it to find a text from Louis. 

Him: Hey, H. We'll be in soon, be ready. Louis 

"Who was that?" Niall asks 

"Just Louis. They'll be here soon, he said" 

Niall shakes his head 

"Ya know, I'm happy they're coming but I'm not too pleased it's under this circumstance. I feel bad for not getting us all together sooner" Niall says with a hint of guilt in his voice. 

I frown to myself and wonder how everyone else has been taking this break. Hopefully better than I have. 

"Yeah. It's not your fault though Niall. Don't blame yourself. I suppose I'm too needy" 

He just shakes his head in disagreement.

"No Harry. It's understandable. We were brothers and never left each other for more than a week or two at a time for five straight years. Nothing will ever break that bond. Or at least I hope not" he says, not looking at me. 

I shake my head in agreement. And so we sit there for awhile in comfortable silence until I hear a knock at the door. My heart starts beating a little faster. It's been so long and I can't help but be nervous to see them again. Niall is the first one to get up from his chair to go answer the door, I stand up and follow behind him as he opens the door. The first face I see is Liam's. He gives me a sympathetic smile and hugs me. 

"Hey mate. Heard you've been down lately, so we came to cheer you up" he says to me before he releases me from his arms. I notice he's lost weight and has some new tattoos and he just looks healthier. That's good.

I smile at him and pat him on the shoulder. I look to see Louis who had been saying hello to Niall. He pulls me into a hug and pats my back. 

"Hey lad, how've you been?" He asks as he pulls away. He looks thinner as well, but not in a bad way as it had gotten before. I must admit he had not looked well in 2015. But he looks a healthy thin and I'm glad. 

"As well as can be expected" I say with a light chuckle. 

And so we talk and hang out for the whole day. The need to remember details seemed useless. It was like any other day you'd be with your friends. Go out, get some drinks. Chat. It was a good day. And I had fun. Whatever the hell fun means. 

The boys seemed so... Normal. I had forgotten how that felt. To be normal, and happy. To love. What is love anyway? If I knew what it was, I think I'd love those boys very very much. 

Anyway they all leave. And I do mean all. They all sat with me on their own and talked to me. Asking me useless questions about how I was. And I gave them useless answers in return. They seemed content with it though. And so when they had convinced themselves I was ok. They left. And I was glad. I didn't want them to blame themselves. They are after all good people. I however am not. And I know it. I was glad to have spent what I knew was my last day with them. Niall, my best friend. Happy go lucky. Lovely voice, amazing sense of humor. A Beautiful human with a beautiful heart. Liam, my friend. A friendly person, a happy person, a loving person who I'm sure will have a beautiful family. I'm sad I will never meet his child. And Louis, a funny person, but a sad person. Not as sad as me I think, but sad. I know he'll make it. He will. And Zayn, who I won't see. Nevertheless, a caring person, a mysterious person, a clever person and a talented person. He'll be fine. They'll all be fine. I hope they'll miss me. I know they will. And my fans who I owe my life to. I owe everything to them, yet I blame them for everything. It doesn't matter. I know they'll miss me too. And I them, if there's a form of afterlife. 

I write this all down. And more, explaining the love I have for them all. And then I leave. Never to return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. So I know this story is pretty short and it's coming to an end here soon. This story isn't the best and that's ok, it wasn't meant to be, I just wanted it to exist. So, for those of you who actually may have been waiting for this I apologize. I've been gone for the past two weeks because my best friends were over and I just now have had time to write. As short as he chapters are they took work. Thank you.


	8. Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *TRIGGER WARNING* this chapter features extreme content and themes, including suicide. Please read at your own risk. Thank you.

*Niall's pov*

We all say our goodbyes to Harry. Liam first, hugging him. Louis second, they give each other a quiet smile and a hug. And then me

"See you soon Harry" I give him a sympathetic smile and hug him. 

We leave. 

I wish we hadn't.

After we left, Liam and I got on a plane and Louis stayed behind for a few days to visit Freddie while him and Briana were there. 

_____

"Mr. Niall Horan everybody! Thanks so much for being in the show!" The host says as I get up to leave. 

"Thanks for having me" I say as I shake his hand.

I hear the applause and screams from the live audience. I mouth thank you and wave as I walk away. I walk out and get into my car after saying thank you to the crew, I put my key in the ignition and start the engine. Ready to go home. When I get there I'm greeted by my Bonsai tree sitting on the small table that stands by the front door. I close the door behind me, locking it. I turn back around to give my tree some attention, and water of course. As I pour water into the pot I look up to see myself in the mirror hanging on the wall. I take a long look, I don't know why exactly but I do. I look so different. It's odd.

I decide to go back. Quickly packing my bags and getting on the first plane to L.A. I know something's wrong. I know Harry is not ok. 

___________________________________

*Harry's pov* 

I put my note in my back pocket and walk out the door of the ugly apartment. I see nothing on the shelves before I close the doors and roll my eyes. I walk outside, putting the hood up over my head. I don't wanna be followed. I get into my car and start to drive. I end up put in the middle of nowhere, a field to be more precise. Filled with beautiful lilacs, daisies, marigolds, violets and a thousand more flowers. I breath in the beautiful air. What a lovely place to die. 

I quickly leave my car. Closing the locked door with my keys inside. I walk out as far as the eye can see until I find a flowing creek, full of life. I decide this is where I'll die. I reach into my other pocket to pull out a blade. I run my finger over the warm metal. I know they'll find the note in my pocket later. I lay down in the grass by the creek, smelling the flowers one more time. I look up to see see a blue sky, but rain clouds are quickly caving in. Maybe heaven will cry for me. I doubt it. I allow myself to cry one last time, the tears fall from my eyes and stream down my face, they feel warm. The sobs leave my mouth, I hardly recognize my own voice. I cry and cry and I hold the blade to my right arm, I let the cool metal touch my skin, the very edge of the blade pricking my wrist. I take a deep breath and push the blade into my arm, pain surging through me already, I swiftly start moving it down my arm, still putting pressure on it. I see the dark crimson red liquid pouring out of me. I feel weaker already. I take the blade in my other hand and repeat my actions on my left arm, but slower, as I am losing strength rapidly. I drop the blade on the grass, blood dripping off of it. I feel the pain but it doesn't bother me. I like the feeling of getting weaker. I lay down in the grass crying some more, sobbing in fact. I look up at the blue sky, soon to turn grey and I see my whole life flash before my eyes. Overall I wouldn't change anything. I just don't want to live anymore. As I look up I feel my chest getting heavy, it's hard to breath. I feel the life being drained out of me. My vision blurry. The sky is blue and it's going to rain today. I'm going to die today. I am dying. Niall, Liam, Louis and maybe even Zayn will mourn me. My mother will. My sister will. My friends will. My fans will. They will. They'll be sad. 

 

I die. 

 

The sky was still blue. And as Harry's now lifeless body lay there, the dark clouds that had been keeping their distance suddenly filled the rest of the open sky. Rain began to fall, the small droplets of water make their fall down to earth. They begin to land on his arms, washing away the blood, they fall on his cheeks, and on his closed eyes, one falling down his face, as if he was crying, even though his body stopped minutes ago. The raindrops fell on his hair. They fell on his body. They fell on the flowers that surrounded him. They fell into the flowing creek. And they kept on falling for days. 

___________________________________________

*Niall's pov*

As soon as I get out of the airport I pull out my phone and dial his number. No answer, I try again, no answer. 

Dear God please be okay H

I get a taxi as quickly as I can and anxiously wait till we pull into where he lives. I quickly make my way up to his apartment. I knock on the door several times, begging him to answer, I call again and again. Nothing. I make my way downstairs.

"Excuse me ma'am. Have you seen Mr. Styles at all recently?" I ask, by the look of concern on her face I must look and sound very desperate. 

"Please miss, it's a matter of life or death" 

She hesitates. "Well, I saw him leave yesterday around 4pm. Haven't seen him since" 

I shake my head and take a deep breath. Dear god Harry where are you. 

"Thank you" I leave as quickly as I can. Walking out into the rain I find a place to rent a car and begin my search. I remember Louis is most likely still in the area and call him.

"Hey Nialler, what's up?" He picks up almost instantly 

"Louis, I'm back in LA. I don't know if you're still around but I just got this aching feeling about Harry. He hasn't been picking up his phone and I just found out no ones seen him since yesterday evening. I'm worried Louis. This isn't like him"

"Christ, Niall. I'm at the hotel on 5th. Come pick me up, we'll go look together" 

"On my way" I hang up and drive to him. 

I soon arrive and text him that I'm at the door.

He jumps into the passenger seat giving me a half assed smile. I can tell he's worried too. 

"Where should we start looking?" I ask

"Wherever you think he might go" 

"Let's start with the parks"

And so we drive. We drive all over, checking and asking people if they've seen him. At some point we met some fans, it was hard to play it cool. We couldn't tell them. The last thing we need is a widespread panic. 

We drive all over until we finally reach a huge field on the far edge of town. We were ready to just give up, we had already called the police and filed a missing persons report after asking his mum and friends if he'd told anyone where he was. They were looking as well but we didn't wanna stop. We wouldn't have stopped but we saw his car. We quickly pulled over and looked inside, the doors were locked and his keys and phone were inside. 

"Jesus Christ Louis where the hell is he and what's he done" I say as tears begin to well in my eyes. I already have a feeling I know how we'll find him but I can't believe it. I simply can't bear the thought of it.

"I don't know Niall. I don't fucking know. Let's... Let's just spread out and see if we can find him, he must be around here somewhere if his car is here" he says not looking at me 

And so we spread out. It's been raining too much to be able to see any footprints he might have left so we just walk the whole field. After what felt like hours of walking in the muddy grass I see a tiny area with a small covering of trees and walk towards it, I begin to hear water flowing. A creek. I'm coughing and soaking wet but I don't give a shit. I have to find him. As I approach the creek I see something small and white. I start to see it taking better shape as I swiftly walk towards it. It's him. I see him lying there and I run, I run with everything in me, and with every beat of my heart I pray and I hope he's just sleeping, I pray he's okay. I get closer and closer until he's right there and I fall down next to him. I see his chest. unmoving. His face, white as snow, he's lifeless. He's gone. I see the slits on his wrist, the rain washed away the blood already. His hair is a sloppy mess on his head. 

"Oh Christ, oh god, Harry... Harry... Dear god" I say as I shake him gently still faintly hoping he's alive somehow, I know he's not. I sob and cry and I shake him. 

"Harry please, I'm sorry. Please please Harry" I beg him as if it'll help somehow. 

I look up, the rain still pounding and falling on both of us. I see Louis in front of me, simply unmoving. Stunned. I quickly forget he's there and look down, yelling at someone, me maybe, or Harry, or God. I don't know. I yell and I scream and I sob. For a long time. After there's nothing left in me I notice I'm lying face down on the ground, everything still soaked. The rain still falling. I look up to see a sobbing Louis, he has Harry's head on his lap, cradling him. He doesn't sob loudly like me, but quietly and personally. I look back down and do nothing for awhile. I just lay there for what seems like ages. That's my friend he has in his arms, my friend, who's dead, who killed himself. Why. I cry again, the rain beating on me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there. Sooooo, this chapter was.... Hard to write. Very hard. Hopefully it wasn't too crazy for whoever might be reading. I was debating on if I should end it on this chapter or not but I'll be doing one more chapter and most likely that'll be the last one. I also might so an alt ending at some point. We'll see. Thank you for reading and feel free to give me feedback. Bye for now.


	9. Nine

*Niall's pov*

 

Eventually I sit up. Reach in my pocket for my phone I call the police and tell them everything. They say they're on their way and to stay where we are. I don't remember the call after I hang up the phone. I just look back over to Louis, he laid Harry's head back down. Louis body is facing opposite me, and away from H, his head rests on his knees, he's still crying. I look at my friend, lying there in the grass. His mouth is slightly open, I can't describe the look on his face, it's not peaceful, it's not sad. It's nothing. It's just gone. I let a few more tears escape my sore eyes, my head is pounding and it's still pouring. Soon I hear the sirens and I see the lights. I don't comprehend any of it though. I hear the officers and the EMS people trying to get my attention and talk to me. I don't hear them though, it sounds like nothing, like muffled talking across the room. I feel weird. I notice a blanket around me and an oxygen mask around my face. I look at Louis to find him in the same situation. He still hasn't looked at me. Before I know it, I'm being forced to move. They yell at me to move and I look at Harry's lifeless body one more time. And I move where they want me to. I feel weak. I'm sitting on the end of an ambulance, someone holding the mask to my face. I saw them wrap my friends body up and take him away. As I see him being taken away I feel everything go weak and my vision goes black.   
_________________________________________

I wake up to find myself in a hospital room. My mother sits on the chair across the floor. Liam is standing by the window, looking out. His eyes are red and puffy, he's been crying. I try to sit up a bit but I feel too weak and I groan. They both Immediately turn their heads and my mom quickly gets up and comes to the side of the bed. Liam follows.

"Niall, love. Are you ok?" My mother softly asks me

"Where am I?" my voice sounds throaty and sore and unfamiliar 

"You're in Saint Charles hospital"

"How long have I been out?" 

"Only a day love. You were so dehydrated and under too much distress" she quickly stops talking after she realizes what she said 

I lay my head back down and close my eyes. I hear my mother and Liam walk back to the door. She whispers something in his ear and I hear her walk out. I assume she has something of importance to tend to. Liam sighs and walks towards me. I open my eyes and look at the ceiling, looking at all the small faded blue and red specks. 

"Where'd you find him?" Liam says abruptly

"The police didn't tell me much" He adds, his voice cracking a bit 

I still stare at the ceiling 

"In a field, few miles out of town, by a stream" images of him flashes in my head for a spilt second and I close my eyes again. 

"How long have you been here?" I ask, eyes open again. 

"A few hours. I came as soon as I found out" 

"Is Louis ok?" I ask. I wonder if he's here too. 

"He didn't have to come here if that's what you mean. He's staying with me for now" 

I shake my head "okay" I'm glad he's not here at the least 

Not much time passes till a nurse comes in, she checks my vitals then a doctor walks in. He tells me I'll be here till tomorrow afternoon. Liam offers to stay with me till then but I tell him to go home and get some rest. He doesn't have the energy to argue and neither so I, so he says bye and leaves for the night.

When all the lights are off and I can only hear crickets and see the stars from my window I let myself fall asleep. I know if I don't they might keep me longer. My dreams are filled with flowers and sweet smells and running water and blue skies. I don't like them, they remind me of my friend. 

I wake up to a gray and rainy sky. Just as I thought I would. I still feel exhausted when I wake up but I can finally move and walk at least. I go through tests and all the other bullshit they make me go through before I can leave. Noon finally strikes and the doctor says I can leave. Liam said he'd come pick me up. I change into the spare pair of clothes my mother left me last night, I look into the mirror to find my eyes are still bloodshot and puffy and they still hurt when I blink, my hair is a wreck, I'm paler than normal. I look horrible. I walk out with my things and wait for Liam. I soon get a text and walk out the door. I didn't expect to see any paparazzi but unfortunately there were a few. They asked me questions and flashed their cameras, I moved my hand to cover my face and forced myself to block it all out. I quickly get into Liam's car and we leave. 

"Christ I didn't think they'd have been this desperate this early" I say in a heavy voice, I pinch my nose to keep from stressing too much. 

"I didn't either Niall" 

Neither of us say anything else on the way back. I try not to think too much. 

We pull in and thankfully aren't greeted by anyone. We walk up to Liam's room and he unlocks the door, he says I have the hotel room on his right and Louis' is on the left. We're only staying here for tonight so we have time to catch flights and get home. I move my things into my room, lock all the doors and pull out my laptop, I book a flight home for the morning in a private jet and turn it off. I don't even want to look at what the tabloids are saying. I lay face up on my bed and stare. Not knowing what to do. I go back to Liam's door. He quickly answers. I walk in. 

"Does everyone who needs to know, know?" I ask 

"Anne and Gemma were told a few hours after you found him. They're currently making arrangements. Anne asked us to go through his apartment when we felt we were able to, and clear it out." 

"And Zayn?" I ask, not looking at him.

He lets out a sigh "I called him. He said he'd help if we were ok with it" 

"I see" is all I can think to say "Thanks Liam" I place my hand on his shoulder then walk away. I go to Louis' room and take a deep breath before knocking. I knock on his door gently and I hear the lock being turned. He opens the door. He's looks like a wreck, red puffy eyes, still dirty and a mess, and drunk if I'm not wrong. He gives me a fake but sad smile and let's me in. 

I sit at the mini bar and he sits next to me, shot glass in hand. 

"How're you feeling? After the hospital and all that?" He asks me trying to break the silence 

"I don't know. As fine as I can be right now I guess" I give him my half-ass answer and hope he just accepts it. 

"Yeah" he responds and downs a shot.

"I...." I stutter a bit "I don't know what to do Louis. It's been less than 48 hours and the whole world probably knows our friend is..." I stop myself "jesus" I put my elbows on the counter and cover my face with my hands. I feel tears welling up in my eyes and the all too familiar sting that comes with it. I don't let them fall.

"To tell you the truth Niall, I'm just as fucked up as you are right now. I don't have anything to say that'll help you feel better"

"I know" I get up and I force him to hug me, we hold each other for a good while and it's comforting. As messed up as we are at least we are united in this shit show. 

I say goodnight to Louis and go back to my room. I get into my bed and set my alarm but I don't fall asleep. I just lay awake and sob. That's all I can do.   
______________________

I'm jolted awake by the noise of my alarm blaring. I turn it off quickly and sit up. My pillow is still wet and my eyes still sting. I don't know when I fell asleep but it hasn't been long. I feel exhausted and drained. I force myself to get out of the bed and go into the bathroom. I don't even dare look at myself. I splash cold water in my face to help me wake up, pat my face dry, comb through my hair with my fingers quickly, change my clothes and grab my things. Liam and Louis left together earlier. I prefer to be alone for the time being. I leave the hotel and I call someone to drive me to the jet.   
I'm finally on my way home. Far away from here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so. I'm super sorry it's been so long. I kinda had a writers block. It's been a long few weeks for me. There are probably gonna be 2 to 3 more chapters. Next chapter will be about Niall's struggle at home and going back to H's apartment with ALL the other lads. Oughta be interesting. I know a lot of other fics I've read make this mourning process very dramatic which it is I suppose depending on the person but I wanted to make this a bit more realistic. Have any thoughts? Feel free to comment and as always thx for reading.


	10. Ten

*Liam's pov* 

(This part is taking place right after Niall left Liam's room to go talk to Louis) 

I feel his hand on my shoulder but I don't look up. I can't. My own grief probably couldn't compare to what Louis and Niall must be going through. They were closer to Harry, and they were the ones who found him. And poor Niall had to be in the hospital for awhile afterwards. Nevertheless Harry was still my friend, he was my brother. 

Was..... It hurts to even say that.

I lock my door and I turn out all the lights but one, I lean back against the wall and I slowly sink down to the floor, with my hands cupping my face I let the tears fall, silently, slowly they fall. 

I lay on the floor, staring at the ceiling, feeling too tired to move. I cried all the tears that were in me and yet I still feel heavy. I start taking in deep breaths, focusing on the sound of my breathing until I feel strong enough to get up. I walk to the bed and practically drop into it, falling asleep almost instantly. 

______

Not much time passes till the daylight seeps through the curtains and the light shines on my pillow. Slowly waking me up. I open my sore eyes, feeling exhausted still. I force myself to sit up and check the time. 4:30. Good. I get out of bed and go to the restroom to freshen up. I change my clothes, wash my face, and comb through my hair. I try to make myself look at least presentable. I have to be strong for the boys. I have to be. 

Before I pack my things I go to see if Louis is up. I knock on his door and wait for a few minutes until I hear the door handle being turned. The door opens to reveal a very exhausted Louis. He looks worse than Niall did. His face was white as a ghost, eyes still puffy and red, he was slumped over and the dark circles under his eyes were as dark as the sky. It made me feel even worse seeing him like this. I don't let it show though. I give him a comforting look.

"Ready to go?" I ask, my voice low

"Um, yeah I just have to clean up the room a bit" 

"Ok. I'll be out in a few minutes" 

He nods in response and closes the door. I go back to my room and finish packing my bag. I tidy up the room a bit and turn the lights off, looking out the window to see all the tall buildings and the cars driving by below me. They have no idea. And yet the whole world probably knows by now. This is no silent grief. 

I think about checking up on Niall but I decide to let him sleep. I'll shoot him a text when we get on the plane. I leave my room and close the door, I knock on Louis' door and wait. He opens it with his bag behind him, I can tell he forced himself to at least try to look ok. He closes his door and we leave. 

____________________________________________

*Niall's Pov*

As I'm being driven to the airport I see I got a text from Liam.

Him: We're just taking off. Be safe Niall. We'll make plans to come back soon. Call if you need anything. 

Me: You too Liam. 

I put my phone back in my pocket and lean my head against the window, watching as all the buildings quickly flash by. In what seems like no time we're there and I quickly board the jet. On my home. On the way there I just try to sleep, but it doesn't work. I just close my eyes and try to leave my mind blank. It doesn't take more than a few hours to reach my shared home in London after I get off the jet. I walk through the door to find my cousin giving me a sympathetic look. He gets up and hugs me and I hug him in return. I just want to be alone. He leaves me be and I take my things to my room and I stay there for the rest of the day. I skip supper and sleep.

I wake up early, so early it's still dark. I reach over to my phone and check the time, 3:37 a.m. There's no use in trying to fall back asleep now I suppose. I sit up and lean against the headboard, looking at my phone. I take a deep breath before opening the Twitter app, my mentions are going off even more then they normally are, I don't look at them. I go under the trending page and I see the fucking headline "Harry Styles' tragic suicide". I turn my phone screen off and slam it down on the end table. I feel my eyes well up and quickly get out of bed, hoping they'll stop. I walk out into my kitchen quietly as to not wake up my cousin, I grab whatever bottle of alcohol was in the cupboard and take a few shots. They liquid burns and tastes vile but it's a feeling other than the sting of my eyes so I don't mind it. I let the tingling feeling take over and I keep drinking till I can't anymore. Eventually I think I trip and fall on my way back to my room. I laugh and get back up and wobble? To my room. I practically slam my door and then I lock it "oh god he better not get up and bug me" I say as I plop into my bed. I sit there in my bed staring into the darkness and I feel the sobs coming, dammit I thought the fucking drink would help. They take over me and I'm sobbing like a baby on my bed, hugging my knees and muttering things. 

"Why'd he have to leave me?"

"Leave us?" 

"Why?" 

"How could he?" 

"Was it my fault?" 

All these sayings and more slip sloppily out of my mouth as the tears rolling down my cheeks. I don't remember how long I do this but I know I drifted off at some point and didn't wake up till noon. My head pounding and my face and pillow still wet from the events of the early hours are what I wake up to. I sit up slowly trying to ignore the sun shining through my curtains, I lean my head back and look over to see some aspirin and a glass of water on my nightstand. I take them and try to sleep again. No use. I check my phone to find an email from Anne as to the funeral details. I sigh and pinch my nose. These are going to be a long few weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly am never sure how far I'm gonna take this story.


	11. Eleven

*Niall's pov*

I wake up to the sound of birds chirping out my window. I sit up in my bed and check my clock, 6:30 a.m. Monday morning. Funeral day. I force my self to wake up, get out of bed, shower, get ready, all the bullshit, I have to be there by 9:00. I don't think about it. I can't think about it. I've had a few days to pull myself together enough to get this over with. 

"I'll be ok. We'll all be okay. I hope so, anyway" I think to myself 

After I've put on my tie and shoes I stare at myself in the mirror and try to ignore the concealer I'm wearing to hide the dark circles and the eye drops I used to reduce the redness in my eyes. I take a deep breath and walk out the door. 

It's not long till I'm inside the building, greeting Anne and Gemma. I hug them both and Anne gives me a kiss on the cheek. One thing I've always loved about Harry is his loving family. I watch Liam and Louis walk in, following suit. 

The service is how you'd expect. Facts about how wonderful Harry was. I cried a bit, can't lie. I was thankful I didn't have to give a speech. I wouldn't have been able to. As we were walking by the open casket I had to say my last goodbye. I stared at his lifeless body. He looked so peaceful. I let the tears fall out of my eyes. 

"Goodbye, friend. I'll never forget you" I said in my head. 

I knew he'd hear me. Then I walked away. Liam and Louis waited for me and we all rode together to his burial site. After that was over we went to Louis' apartment, as he lived close by. 

"Where was Zayn?" were the first words to come out of Louis "did anyone even tell him it was today?" 

"Yeah, he wasn't able to make it. Don't know why, he didn't tell me" Liam answered sounding disappointed 

"Fucking dick" I say, being half-sarcastic 

"It was it is I suppose" Liam says as he leans back on the sofa. 

We both watch as Louis swiftly gets up and makes his way to the bar, we hear glass clanging and some form of alcohol being poured. 

"When do we clear out his apartment then? Anne asked us to get on that" he half yells from the kitchen 

"Whenever you lads are not busy. I've got all the time in the world" Liam answers 

"Whenever is fine with me" 

"Fine. Next weekend then" Louis says. 

So for the rest of the night we have drinks and ignore the world. We chat and it's good. I finally decide to leave and go home. I fall into my bed and have no plans of waking up anytime soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been like... months but I've been busy. And yeah this is short. Sorry.


	12. 12

*Niall's POV*

My phone lights up from the end table next to my chair, I look down from my TV set and put my drink down to look at my phone. 

Louis: meet us there at 9:30 

Me: will do 

I quickly down the rest of what was left then return the empty cup to it's spot on the counter by the sink. "Three weeks" I think to myself "three weeks". As soon as ive finished getting dressed I grab my phone and keys and leave to go meet the boys at Harry's apartment. 

"As you've all heard since the death of the beloved heart-throb Harry Styles, his former friends and bandmates have been seen often together, just yeste-" 

I turn the radio off before I can hear anymore. My friend is more than just this months hottest news. I let a deep sigh out and continue driving. Avoiding my thoughts. It's not long before I see the large, white apartment complex. I pull into the parking garage and head up to his place. I knock on the door and am swiftly greeted by an optimistic Liam. "Right then mate" he says with a smile on his face, he pats me on the back and let's me in, closing the door behind me. I look up to see Louis looking at a picture he took from off the refrigerator. "What's that?" I ask. He smiles at me, walking towards me he flips the picture over so I can see it. It's a polaroid of Harry and his sister Gemma, she's sitting on his lap and he has his arms wrapped around her waist in a protective manner. I look up from the picture and smile at Louis. "I remember that one" he says, "that was a fun day" I nod my head and remember the day that photo was taken, we had just met Gemma for only the 3rd time, she was as charming and polite as ever. Her and Harry got along quite well. Im interrupted by the loud chatter of the dishes Liam pulls out of the cupboard, I grab the pile of plates from his hand and take them over to the table to wrap them in newspaper and put them in a box to be donated. Harry's mum Anne only wanted his personal possessions to be kept, everything else was to be donated. So we packed thing for awhile, sometimes silent, sometimes talking about our favorite memories in one direction, we were sad to not have our friend with us, but it was the first time since his death we'd laughed. It was refreshing. 

*Two hours later*

We had just finished packing all of the kitchen, living room, and dining room things, we were avoiding his room, bathroom, and closet. There were things in there that would no doubt remind us of him. We were sitting in the living room on the floor wrapping up the last of the glass wear when we heard a knock on the door. We all looked at each other, Liam eventually got up to see who it was after a second knock. He walked to the door and peered through the hole. He looked down and slowly opened the door. The door moved away slowly to eventually reveal a very worn down looking Zayn standing at Harry's door. Louis looked stunned, a tiny pint of anger in his eyes. Liam moved away to let him enter. Louis and I both stood up. Not knowing what to say. Liam shook his hand and hugged him, Zayn looked as tired as I'd ever seen him, his hair, though a mess, still looked presentable, his facial hair had grown a tad too long and the dark circles under his eyes were a dark as midnight. "I-I didn't know you were coming" I say as I walk towards him, reaching my hand out towards his, he accepts and shakes my hand. "Im sorry I didn't tell you earlier, I just didn't know I'd be able to till now, I had to try to make up for not being there, at the funeral" he says quietly, looking down, avoiding eye contact. Louis huffs and walks into the other room. Zayn looks away. I walk away and grab Liam by the arm, taking him with me. As soon as we're far enough to be out of ear shot I ask him "did you know he was coming? How'd he get this address?" He's quick to respond "Anne gave it to him, she called me yesterday, to tell me he'd show. I didn't want to tell you cause you might have told Louis and you know what would've happened" I nod and let out a sigh. I walk back out to find Zayn sitting on the floor looking at a few photos we'd left carelessly sprawled across the floor. He looks up at us. "I'm sorry" he says. There's no time to react though as just after the words leave his mouth we hear the sound of glass shattering from the bathroom. 

"Louis" I think to myself as I run towards the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heeeyyyy nice long chapter for anyone reading. Enjoy !!!

**Author's Note:**

> Hello anyone who may be reading this.... Sorry this first chapter is so short. This is my first major fanfic and I'm very nervous. I'm gonna do my best to make future chapters longer and better.


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